It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
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BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
How funny!
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.