If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Probably my best painting.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.