Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
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[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”