Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.