*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
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I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account