It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
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I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”