Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
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Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do