Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
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A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
it was love at first sight
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds