Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
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*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
me irl
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”