You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
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I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit