A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
You Might Also Like
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.