police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
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As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years