The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
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I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas