There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
You Might Also Like
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.