me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
You Might Also Like
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!