Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
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thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
When someone says you are so lazy
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I’m already scared
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no