A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
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Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant