I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
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Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”