[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
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A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
me, after any kind of buffet.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend