My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
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i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
The struggle is real
Does this dress make me look cat?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[eulogy]
line?
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Doug is just Canadian for dog
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.