a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
You Might Also Like
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
The old gods are rising again.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Fight
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.