Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
You Might Also Like
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
A game married people play.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still