On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
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if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
HERE’S MARKY