if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
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Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.