My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
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Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
How to make infinite energy.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”