My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
#parenting
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician