I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
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ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”