Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE