WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
You Might Also Like
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
#Caturday
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.