Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
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Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary