In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
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Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
It be like that sometimes 😆
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!