When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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why does this building look like a guilty dog
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.