judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
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Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
groan^2
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”