I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
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I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people