[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
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THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
White Castle for the Win
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Only a mother’s love …
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!