The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
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Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
lmao
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you