I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
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If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”