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[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Best table by far
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.