Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.