Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
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I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I feel seen.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.