I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
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Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.