and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
You Might Also Like
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.