Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.