Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
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when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.