These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
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Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato