Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Breaking news:
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…