You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
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I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Why are bridges so flammable.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Brb my Sims are getting married
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)