That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
You Might Also Like
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me too
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho