Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
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Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
*bites zombie*
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
United Steaks of America
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like