How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
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A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Straight people are cancelled
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.